BeCreative, Photos & Musings from Wade

I cried tonight
One tear
I don’t even know why for sure.
I lay in bed after an all to short rest

And there it was

Is it the slow and steady realization of the possibility of lost love
That I have feared in my soul may never be, no matter what my heart feels
or
The desire for a relationship that seems so far away
always just out of reach, so close, but not close enough

In the long run it does not matter
Tears fall

thoughts flash across the pages of my mind
so fast I can not keep up

a never ending litany of images, words, thoughts, fears, wants, desires, goals, objects obtainable, objects unobtainable, more things than I can list here they fly so fast never allowing easy rest always keeping me awake until the crash of exhaustion hits simply because in my mind I am lost and have no direction in my life right now only the never ending stream of thoughts to keep me running far into the night with little escape because comfort is so far away and the emptiness and isolation overwhelms me at times leaving a shell of who and what I know I should and can be.

No rest, only exhaustion
opening the door for the pain
is the pain caused by internal strife
or does it cause it… the chicken or the egg

Help me my friends, I am incomplete

Not what you think
——————–
The crush of LIFE
Weighs heavy on me now
so much stress
so much pressure

The relief I have is needed
the time is all good
and appreciated
and loved

We all do what we can
to get to where we need to go

Everything flows as it must
The question we all need to ask is…
are we going to go with that flow
or paddle against it.

Life is much easier when we simply flow
But is that really the best path?

My experience is, usually no.
The easy way is just that, too easy.

We need to work on things in life in order to grow and become who we need to be. If we remain stagnant then how do we learn anything, experience new opportunities and find what else there is in life. Meeting challenges is part of what keeps me going. But some challenges are just too much. We need to decide which streams to paddle against. One thing I need to do is evaluate just this. One of my objectives is to let those I am involved with know exactly where I am headed, as it pertains to them. I have been doing so with vigor and true feeling with some, and have just begun with some others. If you are one of those I have opened to then you know what I am talking about. If I talk to you someday and say I want to have a conversation then you know what is coming It will never be something bad, but just a clearing of the cobwebs in my head. The release of these stresses is something that I am working on to alleviate my headaches.

Wish me luck, and pray for me.

Too many things on my mind
I just can’t stop the flow of thoughts
from rushing in and out.

I rehash the day, what if, why not
why.

Damn it JB, I know I think too much! but it is part of me.
Who I am is this person with the overactive mind.

When it is going in the right direction it is incredibly useful.
It is slowly turning back in that direction.

When it is flowing where it does not need to go it can be detrimental.
I have been there too much.

Friends and companions
keep me steered in the right direction
for that I thank you all so much.
Even those who have hurt me or done damage
help.

In the long run.

So here I sit,
slowly life improves.

Light begins to shine again.

Each light in my life has been different,
Each person I have, gotten to know, cared for, loved
Ignored, disliked, disdained,
has shown me their light.
And thus become a little part of me.

Some are a big part, their lights shine the brightest
some have almost no effect, about them I care very little.
but all have influenced who… and what… I am.

Who and what am I?

A man who thinks too much about life and its little situations
and influences.

I want to know why, who, how come!
tell me or I will try and figure it out anyway!

and probably just get it wrong

So I ask for help from those wiser than I.
At least wiser in a particular situation.

Or I find someone to spend time with who makes me feel good.
These are the good lights in my life. They sustain me, lift me,
keep me going.

and hurt the most when they are gone

but they are still my lights, I still value and treasure the bit
I have gotten from them.

So what does this have to do with sleep?

the lights in my life play in my mind, flashing behind my
eyelids.
keeping me turned on instead of tuned out

It seems I no longer have a dimmer switch
I go from wide awake to sleep, no in between, no tired

Going from a hundred miles an hour to unconscious in the blink
of an eye.

Only to wake up BEFORE the alarm!
W-T-F is up with that!

SO I try again for ‘to sleep”, knowing that it will be
“or not to sleep”
yet again tonight.

Fine, I will just sleep when I can
and dream of finding(?) the one who will sleep next to me
one day.

Isn’t it amazing how the little things can sometimes make the most difference in out lives?
Having someone there to say hello to, or goodnight, just before the light goes out.
A child smiling at you in the checkout lane.
Getting an email or a letter from someone you have not heard from in far too long.
When your horse relaxes his head onto your shoulder and sighs deeply, letting you know you are trusted.
Finding out more about a new friend. The curiosity and unknown, but allowing for any possible direction, even tho caution must exist.
Reassurances from an old friend, letting you know that all is still good.

Understanding

This is what makes wounds heal.
Both sides must remember the other has reasons for their actions

or inactions.

Trust must be regained, but the effort is worth the battle.
The best of friends should never be put away without a great fight,
I have put up this fight and in doing so have both won and lost.

No harm was meant, only seeking reaction of any kind.

Reactions happen

Not what is desired, and the history hurts deeper than you like.
But not deep enough to not be fixed.

As long as BOTH sides work together to find

friendship re-found

(Reading this the day after it was put down I realize that things of this manner should not be done with a migraine! It makes me sound whiny desperate. This is far from the case here. I am merely expressing my feeling of loss concerning the apparent loss of a close friend. Why am I leaving it posted? It express my possible loss of this friendship and hopefully the desire for it to be healed. Communication is primary importance to me and I require it, but it cannot be one sided. I need to express myself, even if to no avail.)

A friend was found
the relationship was patched?
this was the hope.

Two weeks of sporadic communication
then a txt saying I will call tonight
20 days as of right now
no contact

“Promises made to keep in touch
“you are on my emergency call list”
but no calls come in.

The message says something not understandable
and I love you all.
Is there a problem, how can I help?
I can’t, that option has been taken away by a closed line
of communication.

“You have been my best friend for years”
But now you will not talk to me, I am shut out,
apparently along with family. We all miss your voice, your laugh, your tears.

The problem that exists – once in my heart you never get out,
no one does, ever, even those I have not seen or heard from in years, those that have hurt me or scorned me,
even those I pass by briefly, if you made a small touch you are still there and always will be
my heart holds on to all. I can not let go
without closure.

True closure needs a confirmation, or denial, I can get neither.
and

I want only the spark you brought to me back.

I want the spark back that said “I love you even tho we are apart”
Should love not communicate?

You helped me heal, I helped you recover, a tie that binds friendship forever
so I thought

We decided long ago that friends was the best place for us.

How can a friend not be there.

If you need me I will be there, just call but I can’t help what I don’t know
What about when I needed you, my total confidant, you were not there for me so I had to search for another, I got help and it was all I required and more, but it was not you, it was supposed to be you.

Trust is no longer easy for me. This is out of my nature you helped me trust again, now here i am being left out, how can I trust anyone when the one I came to trust the most abandons the very thing WE held dear.

where the hell are you when I need you

If this is ever read by you you are probably thinking. “to hell with him, I am going through ????? and this is how he treats me?”

How should i treat you, when I do not know.

Now I will try to sleep as I have not in weeks, NOT because of you and your inactions, but perhaps because you are not here to help me work things out.

I will find another, a great love in my life that will be what I need, what we may have been in different circumstances.

But know this, You will always be with me

I will always await your call with open arms, tentative tho they may now be.

What do you do when a friendship is lost?
Try as hard as you can to save it.
Call
email

You hear enthusiam on the phone.
but they really are not there.
no
time

They say you are a best friend.
You hear “not anymore”.
love
leaves

What do you do whe a friendship is lost?
Hope and pray you are wrong.
keep
fighting